ambivalent august
august was a month of mixed feelings.
it began on a solemn note with Kevin’s memorial and, shortly after, his funeral. the harsh reality was settling in: i would no longer have my best friend by my side for the rest of my life. for most of the month, i tried not to dwell on him in a sad way, but sometimes that was simply impossible. i still carry the ache with me.
on the day of Kevin’s memorial, i did something i had earlier decided against. i bought the nothing phone 3, the headphone 1, and the cmf watch 3 pro, purchases i had planned for my birthday but canceled. i thought it might make me feel better as a gadget freak. it didn’t, but i don’t regret it. my previous device had made simple tasks like bank transfers unnecessarily stressful, crashing whenever i switched apps. at least now i no longer have to brace myself for that.
the headphones double as eye candy and i specially enjoy the spatial audio feature. and i can finally wear a watch again after almost a year without one, since i gave my xiaomi band 7 to my sister. there’s something about smartwatches that i cannot shake off.
school resumed earlier than i expected, on the 26th. the first day hit me harder than i anticipated: walking into that classroom knowing Kevin would not be showing up, not just that day, but ever again. i still keep the seat next to me for him by placing my bag there, just as i always did whenever i arrived before him, which was most times. somehow, the class respects that. the second day was when some of us paid our respects. it has now been two weeks, and that empty chair beside me has become both a comfort and a reminder.
school meant a new routine which meant adjusting everything: taking my bath just before sleeping or very early in the morning around 3 or 4 a.m., packing my clothes and devices almost immediately.
every day i return drained and want nothing more than a short nap, which is almost always interrupted. the constant fatigue makes it hard to stay motivated or get much done. i just have to find a way to keep my energy and focus up.
on the 23rd, i hosted a virtual event and, as a result, grew my email list to a surprising 40 subscribers. impressive for a first try, i think. i am still unsure what to do with the list, apart from continuing to grow it. time will tell what comes of it.
the rest of the month stayed much the same. i showed up to work daily, even though i’m supposed to be part-time. i spent weekends on side projects and kept pushing on xtrackr, which was already a month behind its scheduled launch. it brought its own frustrations, from fixing payment integration to dealing with new issues while uploading the platform to the stores. hopefully september?
i was also supposed to work on a framer template as planned, but only managed some research and a conversation with a friend about collaborating on the copy. maybe this month too, though i am not sure.
i’m honestly drained even as i write this. september just has to be better.
