i think of Kevin as my “best friend”. maybe he felt the same, maybe not. we met only ten months before his passing, yet we spent an ungodly amount of time together doing the most fun and crazy stuff — things only close friends, or even romantic partners, get to do: going to the cinema, hanging out in the library, attending events, working on projects, gisting and roasting others, checking out restaurants, planning vacations, etcetera.
but does it matter what Kevin thought of me? to me, those experiences alone are worthy of the nametag. that’s what he was to me, and that’s what he will always be.
and so i wonder: “does friendship have to be mutual to be real?”
this question has become more pressing in this age, when so much of our connection happens through a box — whether it’s whatsapp-ing on a phone or face-timing on a macbook.
take David Ifeanyi, for example. he reached out to learn design through a mutual friend, but over months of late-night conversations about photography, business ideas, and life dreams, something shifted. when he shares a win or asks for advice, my chest lightens the same way it does when Kevin used to text me. i consider David a friend.
there are others too — people scattered across continents who’ve become real to me through screens and shared conversations.
to them, i might just be another internet contact. maybe they’re simply being nice.
but here’s what i’ve learned: if someone consistently shows up in ways that matter to you — even if it’s just through a screen, even if they never use the word ‘friend’ — that relationship is real. your experience of care, of being seen, of mattering to someone else, doesn’t become false because they experience it differently.
this idea isn’t new. about 2,000 years ago, Jesus called his twelve disciples friends instead of servants. even when Judas betrayed him, Jesus still called him ‘friend’ in that moment.¹
think about that — calling someone ‘friend’ while they’re destroying you.
Judas clearly didn’t consider Jesus a friend; you don’t betray people you love. but Jesus chose to maintain that relationship unilaterally.
of course, this doesn’t mean pouring yourself into people who treat you poorly, hoping love will change them. that’s fantasy. real friendship means recognizing genuine goodness when you see it and honoring it, even if the other person wouldn’t use your labels.
i don’t expect much from anyone, honestly. just show up when it matters. be kind when it costs you nothing. if you do that consistently, you can be my friend whether you claim the title or not.
but if you must know where someone stands, ask them directly:
i consider you a friend — do you think of me as one too?
Kevin told me he did, without my asking.
and if you’re unlucky and they say ‘no’, none of your experiences with them becomes less real.
the choice to call someone ‘friend’ says more about your capacity to love than about the relationship itself, because relationships are messy and rarely symmetrical.
friendship doesn’t require a mutual contract. maybe the measure of friendship isn’t found in labels or perfect reciprocity, but in the choice to see someone, show up for them when it matters, and call them ‘friend’ on your terms.
and to you, who have been reading my stories, where i share raw pieces of me that some people close to me don’t yet know, i would like to know:
am i your friend?
Notes
- John 15:15 and Matthew 26:50 (niv)
